My boyfriend and I easily share a lot of conflict. We love each other a lot, but we are different people. Usually we get through things fairly easily, by laughing off things. Luckily, I have a boyfriend that is very easy to get along with and squash whatever beef we have at the moment through jokes. But then there are certain situations where jokes are no matter at all because he or I am straight pissed.
Last week my boyfriend and I got into some argument. The cause is basically irrelevant and most likely petty. But it got both of us extremely heated and forgetting the cause of the issue, and had me in tears and my boyfriend feeling that he just needed to walk away--something my boyfriend almost always does when he is extremely angry, you can say he's the passive agressive type. I on the other hand am the assertive type who uses emotion and intelligence to get my thoughts through (yes, I asked my boyfriend to pick me out from the different styles of personal conflict.)
So my boyfriend hung up the phone at midnight, because he was that pissed off. And I let him go, despite really wanting to settle the situation and get over it. The argument had turned into a lose-lose situation; both my boyfriend and I gave up on trying to get anywhere in a resolution. But 2 hours later, at 2 a.m. exactly, I called him to find out I was waking him up. I wanted something more than this catch-22, so I said something along the lines of, "Alright, this is all my fault. I will do my best to change, so that we wont have this situation again. And I apologize for getting upset."
My boyfriend groaned out an "okay." But that wasn't enough for me. I started to cry. This was turning into a win-lose situation which I felt shouldn't have been the case. I'd at least want things to be equal; so this could of been a win-win (which is ideal) or a compromise. But I definitely didn't want to be the one who cared about these situations.
"Don't you care? Why don't you care? I just apologized and took complete blame for both you and I. I can't believe that you have nothing at all to say. It takes two people to make arguments like these to occur, and yet I'm the only one stepping up to the plate to make a change. I wish you cared as much as I do." I said as I continued to cry. My boyfriend finally realized how stupid this all was, and felt really bad for hurting my feelings, so he says, "Dang, I'm so sorry. No I wasn't trying to leave you hanging, I was just tired when you called me. I was sleeping, it is 2 a.m. But baby, you don't have to be the only one to compromise. I mean, I messed up to. It's not all you. Let's work this out."
And that's exactly what we did. We talked out our feelings, our perceptions, and worked everything out smoothly. Techinically, this was all a compromise situation, as the text book describes, where both sacrifice but gain a little. But even though, it's a winning situation where we can admit to our faults and continue to see through these faults with love.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Entry 9: Responding Non-Defensively
In the past, a co-worker and I have shared an obvious disagreement through body language despite never formally saying out our troubles verbally to each other. One day, being so overly stressed, I told one of my supervisors about why I was stressed and even broke down into tears. I explained how I feel like I consistently am picking up after his slack, how he doesn't carry himself very professionally and as a positive role model for the kids, and that it's frustrating that the kids we work with are picking up more of his bad habits when I feel that I'm trying to do a great job and be a positive role model but can't because of his lack of sincerity. So this week, my co worker, who I was having problems with, and I were seated down for a talk to settle things out.
My co-worker says “I feel like you’ve taken over the environment. You’re just so firm, and difficult to approach.”
My response was, “Well I apologize for putting up an aura that you can’t talk to me. My intentions are not to make you feel uncomfortable, but to be a figure that is doing my job and being a positive role model, especially since majority of these kids lack simple manners and are offering a lot of attitude in their speech and body language. I’d like to create an environment that is serious before I become fun and creative. I personally think that these kids lack that kind of knowledge that they need to learn how to work hard and earn a good reputation to then be trusted and then be fun. These ideals I am pursuing are not intended for you. So I apologize for that. But on the other hand, I would appreciate that you understand where I am coming from. That I’m simply trying to do my job.”
Luckily, I thought of that pillow method we learned in communications and realized that there were the four steps to resolving my emotional issues in a completely mature manner that will still be able of making my perception clear. After this, we did settle things. I took in what I did wrong, and was able to make compromises from there on with my co-worker.
Yesterday, my friend, Ross was hosting a Laker v.s. Nuggets party. I noticed one of our other friends, Mark, had a new tattoo of a beautifully colored rooster on his bicept, so I asked, "Hey that's a cool parrot. Why'd you get it?" I was being totally sarcastic, and he says, "No rachel, it's a rooster. Dummy." and so I continue, "Oh, same difference. Why a rooster?" Then my boyfriend who is sitting next to me says out loud, "It's because he's a cock." Everyone in the room giggled a little. And Mark decided to refute by replying, "No Aldrin (my boyfriend), I'm a cock sucker!!" And he starts laughing. Everyone in the room got awkwardly silent and looked at Mark as he sat in the corner of the room basically by himself. After a few moments of the awkwardness, everyone roared into a laughter and pointed at Mark.
After realizing how stupid he made himself, he left the room trying to laugh it off as well. But later, he comes up to me and says "You're messed up, Rachel."
Now it took me awhile to reply back. I could've blown it off and totally drilled him in more for the comment he made. But knowing I truly didn't do anything wrong, I acted non-defensively. "Oh Mark, it's no worries. You were joking. We all were joking. Everyone will forget it. Don't get all worked up over it. We're all friends." It was very casual how I dealt with it. I could've went straight into a statement like, "No! It's all YOU! Weirdo. Homo!" But I tried to calm him down, and let him know it was a simple mistake so he wouldn't be feeling such a huge disappointment in me or himself. Had I acted defensively and accused Mark could've resulted in a terminate friendship. I don't want to make enemies or even more problems in my life.
I think too many people are uptight, taking things into the wrong light. As easy as it is to get worked up over the petty things, sometimes it takes a little bit of non-defensive action to make the petty things our greatest pleasures. Life is always good when you're willing to believe it.
My co-worker says “I feel like you’ve taken over the environment. You’re just so firm, and difficult to approach.”
My response was, “Well I apologize for putting up an aura that you can’t talk to me. My intentions are not to make you feel uncomfortable, but to be a figure that is doing my job and being a positive role model, especially since majority of these kids lack simple manners and are offering a lot of attitude in their speech and body language. I’d like to create an environment that is serious before I become fun and creative. I personally think that these kids lack that kind of knowledge that they need to learn how to work hard and earn a good reputation to then be trusted and then be fun. These ideals I am pursuing are not intended for you. So I apologize for that. But on the other hand, I would appreciate that you understand where I am coming from. That I’m simply trying to do my job.”
Luckily, I thought of that pillow method we learned in communications and realized that there were the four steps to resolving my emotional issues in a completely mature manner that will still be able of making my perception clear. After this, we did settle things. I took in what I did wrong, and was able to make compromises from there on with my co-worker.
Yesterday, my friend, Ross was hosting a Laker v.s. Nuggets party. I noticed one of our other friends, Mark, had a new tattoo of a beautifully colored rooster on his bicept, so I asked, "Hey that's a cool parrot. Why'd you get it?" I was being totally sarcastic, and he says, "No rachel, it's a rooster. Dummy." and so I continue, "Oh, same difference. Why a rooster?" Then my boyfriend who is sitting next to me says out loud, "It's because he's a cock." Everyone in the room giggled a little. And Mark decided to refute by replying, "No Aldrin (my boyfriend), I'm a cock sucker!!" And he starts laughing. Everyone in the room got awkwardly silent and looked at Mark as he sat in the corner of the room basically by himself. After a few moments of the awkwardness, everyone roared into a laughter and pointed at Mark.
After realizing how stupid he made himself, he left the room trying to laugh it off as well. But later, he comes up to me and says "You're messed up, Rachel."
Now it took me awhile to reply back. I could've blown it off and totally drilled him in more for the comment he made. But knowing I truly didn't do anything wrong, I acted non-defensively. "Oh Mark, it's no worries. You were joking. We all were joking. Everyone will forget it. Don't get all worked up over it. We're all friends." It was very casual how I dealt with it. I could've went straight into a statement like, "No! It's all YOU! Weirdo. Homo!" But I tried to calm him down, and let him know it was a simple mistake so he wouldn't be feeling such a huge disappointment in me or himself. Had I acted defensively and accused Mark could've resulted in a terminate friendship. I don't want to make enemies or even more problems in my life.
I think too many people are uptight, taking things into the wrong light. As easy as it is to get worked up over the petty things, sometimes it takes a little bit of non-defensive action to make the petty things our greatest pleasures. Life is always good when you're willing to believe it.
Entry 8: Relationships
One of my most important relationships is shared between my Dad and I. We rarely talk, and rarely see each other now that I am grown and my parents are divorced. Despite the proximity, I hold high regards to our relationships because my Dad is similar to myself, and I find it rewarding to have talks with him when I almost always feel completely different to others. To me it's more satisfying having my Dad, who is so different--he's just great on thinking out of the box and still being logical. But yet, we're still very similar. When we hang out, we have tons of fun, and he shows/teaches me new and completely cool things.
When I was much younger, I feel that I liked my dad because he was always there. My parents were together, we were in the same house. Although I didn't really know him as a friend and an individual, I still enjoyed his presences because he was always near. And of course, the physical and biological fact was that we were very similar. My dad liked sports, and I had the tendency to enjoy them as well. If my dad was watching jeopardy, I'd join him as well. And then being able to please my dad was always better than being punished. So it was also a rewarding kind of a relationship. I knew that if I kissed enough ass, I'd get whatever I want from my dad in comparison to pulling the same semantics with my mom.
Definately being older, there is a better establishment of disclosure. I can get on a personal level with my father, and he will definately give me the confidence that he is listening because he cares and that I can trust in him. As of now, I think our relationship is within the bonding although it has gone through its stages of coming apart. I remember specifically in the later years of my high school career, that I hated my dad. This time frame was also the time that my parents were at the pinacle of their divorce. The papers were being processed, my parents lived under the same roof but slept in seperate rooms; they couldn't stand being in the same room. Before this divorce, I never thought about knowing my dad as a person. He was just my dad, and that's what it was supposed to be. And to hear from my dad's mouth that he no longer loved my mom was very disturbing and made me jump straight into avoiding him, along with feelings of differentiating, circumscribing, and stagnating. The relationship between my parents shouldn't have implicated the relationship I had with each of my parents, but it did. I had so many conflicting emotions, and all this pulling sides and what not really drove me crazy. I don't think at the time I was well aware of what I was feeling or how to even resolve these emotins. Luckily, my dad did realize how I might have been feeling, and so he disclosed more of himself to me. He told me more of what he felt, and how he planned a future relationship between himself and I, but more importantly he reaffirmed me that my emotions are important to him and that this divorce was not intended to hurt anyone although how necessary it was to do it. Having that talk, brought a lot of balance to my mixed emotions, and definatelly reaffirmed my position in the relationship between my father and I.
Since this father-daughter talk, it's been very different to have a a better relationship. We have a good relationship, but at times it's still awkward. I know my dad means well, and I do also. But having that stage where I absolutely hated my dad really hurt him. We definitely talk as much as we can, and hang out together. So far, honesty is the best policy between us. But it is difficult to find the comfort in being honest. Usually if I have something to ask or a question, I usually start out with "hey so remember that one time...." or I have to just say, "Dad can I ask you something?" It's like I almost have to test the comfort level before I become vulnerable. But its the same thing for my dad, he starts off "So hey what have you been up to?" instead of just being forward in asking, "Will you be available for this or that" or "On this or that day is a function at my house..." So there's a lot of hinting, and I think it also makes things a little bit more difficult to become more comfortable instead of being straight forward. I'm not sure how to resolve this issue, but I can deal with the slight discomfort for now.
We're leveling out on the experimenting step, and getting more involved with the integrating and intensifying levels if I were to compare our relationship to Knapp's Relational Model. Regardless, I'm completely satisfied with our relationship, and think we can only get better.
When I was much younger, I feel that I liked my dad because he was always there. My parents were together, we were in the same house. Although I didn't really know him as a friend and an individual, I still enjoyed his presences because he was always near. And of course, the physical and biological fact was that we were very similar. My dad liked sports, and I had the tendency to enjoy them as well. If my dad was watching jeopardy, I'd join him as well. And then being able to please my dad was always better than being punished. So it was also a rewarding kind of a relationship. I knew that if I kissed enough ass, I'd get whatever I want from my dad in comparison to pulling the same semantics with my mom.
Definately being older, there is a better establishment of disclosure. I can get on a personal level with my father, and he will definately give me the confidence that he is listening because he cares and that I can trust in him. As of now, I think our relationship is within the bonding although it has gone through its stages of coming apart. I remember specifically in the later years of my high school career, that I hated my dad. This time frame was also the time that my parents were at the pinacle of their divorce. The papers were being processed, my parents lived under the same roof but slept in seperate rooms; they couldn't stand being in the same room. Before this divorce, I never thought about knowing my dad as a person. He was just my dad, and that's what it was supposed to be. And to hear from my dad's mouth that he no longer loved my mom was very disturbing and made me jump straight into avoiding him, along with feelings of differentiating, circumscribing, and stagnating. The relationship between my parents shouldn't have implicated the relationship I had with each of my parents, but it did. I had so many conflicting emotions, and all this pulling sides and what not really drove me crazy. I don't think at the time I was well aware of what I was feeling or how to even resolve these emotins. Luckily, my dad did realize how I might have been feeling, and so he disclosed more of himself to me. He told me more of what he felt, and how he planned a future relationship between himself and I, but more importantly he reaffirmed me that my emotions are important to him and that this divorce was not intended to hurt anyone although how necessary it was to do it. Having that talk, brought a lot of balance to my mixed emotions, and definatelly reaffirmed my position in the relationship between my father and I.
Since this father-daughter talk, it's been very different to have a a better relationship. We have a good relationship, but at times it's still awkward. I know my dad means well, and I do also. But having that stage where I absolutely hated my dad really hurt him. We definitely talk as much as we can, and hang out together. So far, honesty is the best policy between us. But it is difficult to find the comfort in being honest. Usually if I have something to ask or a question, I usually start out with "hey so remember that one time...." or I have to just say, "Dad can I ask you something?" It's like I almost have to test the comfort level before I become vulnerable. But its the same thing for my dad, he starts off "So hey what have you been up to?" instead of just being forward in asking, "Will you be available for this or that" or "On this or that day is a function at my house..." So there's a lot of hinting, and I think it also makes things a little bit more difficult to become more comfortable instead of being straight forward. I'm not sure how to resolve this issue, but I can deal with the slight discomfort for now.
We're leveling out on the experimenting step, and getting more involved with the integrating and intensifying levels if I were to compare our relationship to Knapp's Relational Model. Regardless, I'm completely satisfied with our relationship, and think we can only get better.
Entry 7: Emotions
The Tahitian Competition- At my first big, renowned Tahitian competition I wasn't taking a whole lot of training. I had just left my group and was in the process of finding another dance group to practice and grow with. All I hoped for was to make it past the first wave of eliminations to the finalists division. But when the competition got closer and closer, I got more anxious and nervous. Even 10 minutes before going on stage I contemplated quitting right then and there. I felt like I didn't stand a chance in the competition because prior to this contest, I had only been in two other competitions. I felt like I was dead weight, making all the other girls look way better since I was that inexperienced. I felt like I had nothing against these girls, I wasn't nearly as perfect.
I had over generalizations about the entire event. Just because I lacked the experience didn't mean I lacked the talent. It wasn't about being absolutely perfect, just showing the judges that dancing was in my heart. And I also could say I experienced the fallacy of should. I kept telling myself what I should have been like, when I really should have been telling myself about how great I am and reassuring myself.
Unfortunately, I didn't make it to the finals. But I'm glad I had the experience. Being on stage and competing was an experience I'll never forget, and now I know what to do for next time around.
The Disney Audition- I had never auditioned or been interviewed for a part in even a high school performance. I've always been invited. This time my audition was with Disney to be located in Tokyo for a year long contract--living, dancing, and on salary pay in the greatest city. Basically a free ride without having to be military personnel. I was really excited and fit all of the qualifications, but had never auditioned for any kind of an event. Being at the try-outs, I got really sick. Mentally, I was over thinking everything. Physically, I was throwing up. I had never been so terrified, and I think the Tokyo Disney representatives read my nervousness. They tried to give me another chance to redeem myself, but I let myself give up and froze even though I knew the choreography that was taught to us. I went through the fallacy of helplessness. I don't know why to this day I choked up, but I did try out again the following year. I was invited to join the Florida Disney contract at their Polynesian resort, but I declined the invitation. School became my priority.
Job Interview-Earlier this month, I was interviewed for a higher position at the Boys and Girls Club, but at a different location that was closer to home. I went through all kinds of emotions. I was trying so hard to not be nervous, so I provided a very laid back demeanor. But then I gradually began to imagine how lame I looked if I was in the position of the interviewers, and I got nervous all over again.
I went through the fallacy of should, thinking so hard about how I should be looking and what not. I totally over looked how I should be performing, not my stupid posture. Although it is a component, I could definitely redeem myself in answering the questions thoroughly and carefully, and by definitely showing more interest.
And yeah, I probably looked extremely lame. Because I never got a call back. Hah.
Job Interview #2-Two weeks after the first interview came the same position, but at my current Boys and Girls Club location in Lake Elsinore. I was to be interviewed by one of the same interviewers and my current supervisor, Lisa. But prior to the interview, Lisa called me to ask me to reschedule the interview at a different time, and if I would let my co-worker, John know about the rescheduled interview time. After knowing my co-worker, John, was going for the same position I got really panicked. John was new to our team, but not to the company. He's been showing an outstanding behavior as worker, despite being new. If he got the position, I'd be really sour because I'd have to see him every day knowing he beat me. And reversely, he might feel the same way. It'd be really difficult and awkward. I got suddenly got really scared.
I had these catastrophic expectations that my co-worker and I would hate each other. My doubt and worries should first be about the position. And regardless who gets the position, we should be carrying out good team-player attitudes and being an efficient worker.
I have yet to see if I get the position.
I had over generalizations about the entire event. Just because I lacked the experience didn't mean I lacked the talent. It wasn't about being absolutely perfect, just showing the judges that dancing was in my heart. And I also could say I experienced the fallacy of should. I kept telling myself what I should have been like, when I really should have been telling myself about how great I am and reassuring myself.
Unfortunately, I didn't make it to the finals. But I'm glad I had the experience. Being on stage and competing was an experience I'll never forget, and now I know what to do for next time around.
The Disney Audition- I had never auditioned or been interviewed for a part in even a high school performance. I've always been invited. This time my audition was with Disney to be located in Tokyo for a year long contract--living, dancing, and on salary pay in the greatest city. Basically a free ride without having to be military personnel. I was really excited and fit all of the qualifications, but had never auditioned for any kind of an event. Being at the try-outs, I got really sick. Mentally, I was over thinking everything. Physically, I was throwing up. I had never been so terrified, and I think the Tokyo Disney representatives read my nervousness. They tried to give me another chance to redeem myself, but I let myself give up and froze even though I knew the choreography that was taught to us. I went through the fallacy of helplessness. I don't know why to this day I choked up, but I did try out again the following year. I was invited to join the Florida Disney contract at their Polynesian resort, but I declined the invitation. School became my priority.
Job Interview-Earlier this month, I was interviewed for a higher position at the Boys and Girls Club, but at a different location that was closer to home. I went through all kinds of emotions. I was trying so hard to not be nervous, so I provided a very laid back demeanor. But then I gradually began to imagine how lame I looked if I was in the position of the interviewers, and I got nervous all over again.
I went through the fallacy of should, thinking so hard about how I should be looking and what not. I totally over looked how I should be performing, not my stupid posture. Although it is a component, I could definitely redeem myself in answering the questions thoroughly and carefully, and by definitely showing more interest.
And yeah, I probably looked extremely lame. Because I never got a call back. Hah.
Job Interview #2-Two weeks after the first interview came the same position, but at my current Boys and Girls Club location in Lake Elsinore. I was to be interviewed by one of the same interviewers and my current supervisor, Lisa. But prior to the interview, Lisa called me to ask me to reschedule the interview at a different time, and if I would let my co-worker, John know about the rescheduled interview time. After knowing my co-worker, John, was going for the same position I got really panicked. John was new to our team, but not to the company. He's been showing an outstanding behavior as worker, despite being new. If he got the position, I'd be really sour because I'd have to see him every day knowing he beat me. And reversely, he might feel the same way. It'd be really difficult and awkward. I got suddenly got really scared.
I had these catastrophic expectations that my co-worker and I would hate each other. My doubt and worries should first be about the position. And regardless who gets the position, we should be carrying out good team-player attitudes and being an efficient worker.
I have yet to see if I get the position.
Entry 6: Listening
Ambushing
I do a lot of ambushing when involved in heated arguments. When I find myself in a bad situation and want to come out as a winner rather than a total upset, I do the ambushing listening. I listen carefully for the flaws, sometimes drawing away from the main issue. With my boyfriend, I do this often. And he's beginning to notice how I totally manipulate our arguments into my advantage. He doesn't know how I do it, and he gets so aggravated that he always turns out as the one at fault, but he's catching this fact.
Selective Listening
Being a grown individual in college, I've learned that this skill does me great during note taking. Selective listening helps me quickly jot down the major idea, and then later go back and extend that thought or learning experience. Sounds simple and effective, but it's really not. Because many times after the class, I don't really go back to read my notes. If I do go back on my notes, I go back to them a day after and by then I'd forgotten the whole point of writing down that 'major idea.' And I take a lot of time out to re-think how I came up with the 'major idea.' Just terrible.
I think that my cousin Claire, is an awesome listener. She is definitely quiet and patient when I'm talking. She waits for me to finish my entire idea, and never tries to get into talking about herself. And she has a great way of showing that she's listening, even though she's a pretty quiet individual. My cousin is really shy, and brief in words. But she's really cool to talk to when you get her talking. She's just got a good approachability about her that shows she's listening.
I do a lot of ambushing when involved in heated arguments. When I find myself in a bad situation and want to come out as a winner rather than a total upset, I do the ambushing listening. I listen carefully for the flaws, sometimes drawing away from the main issue. With my boyfriend, I do this often. And he's beginning to notice how I totally manipulate our arguments into my advantage. He doesn't know how I do it, and he gets so aggravated that he always turns out as the one at fault, but he's catching this fact.
Selective Listening
Being a grown individual in college, I've learned that this skill does me great during note taking. Selective listening helps me quickly jot down the major idea, and then later go back and extend that thought or learning experience. Sounds simple and effective, but it's really not. Because many times after the class, I don't really go back to read my notes. If I do go back on my notes, I go back to them a day after and by then I'd forgotten the whole point of writing down that 'major idea.' And I take a lot of time out to re-think how I came up with the 'major idea.' Just terrible.
I think that my cousin Claire, is an awesome listener. She is definitely quiet and patient when I'm talking. She waits for me to finish my entire idea, and never tries to get into talking about herself. And she has a great way of showing that she's listening, even though she's a pretty quiet individual. My cousin is really shy, and brief in words. But she's really cool to talk to when you get her talking. She's just got a good approachability about her that shows she's listening.
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